Just No.

No phone call for the 2nd day from our son, he is refusing to speak with us.

I am waiting with my phone charged and ready from 8:00-9:00 pm (Our son’s designated call time at River Edge) but nothing.  At 8:00 I am hopeful and excited to talk with him, even if it is just to say, “I love you and I always will”.  By 8:30 I am angry and frustrated that he is still trying to manipulate the situation.  By 8:45 I start to will him,  in my mind,  to call.  By 9:00 I am emotionally exhausted and go outside to throw rocks at the poor innocent trees in the forest behind my house.   By 9:15 I am bothering Garrett to call the charge nurse, “just to make sure that nothing is wrong”.  As soon as I finish the words “nothing is wrong”, I realize what I have just said.  My knees hit the floor, and Garrett drops down next to me.  Of course there is something wrong, my son is not with me, he is with complete strangers over 2 hours away and I cannot speak with him, see him, or hold him.  I am not good at “letting go and letting God”, in fact I completely and totally suck at it.  What I am good at, is stuffing things in a room and closing the door.  So I mentally built a room in my mind, opened the door, walked Our son inside and walked back out slowly closing the door behind me.  I will open the door only when I can and when I must.  But for tonight it is closed.

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