Phone call tonight was a disaster.
I remember waiting for his hospital calls with the nervous anticipation of a first date. Terrified, hopeful, excited for a change, praying for love and a future.
Now it is dread, fear, suspicion, and guilt.
Now it just feels like being in love with an addict/abuser.
On the phone tonight Damian pretends that he is fine, using words like…self-control, consequences, actions, plans, calming, peaceful, mindfulness, determination, goals, work, respect, and love.
He swears that he has…seen the light, will never again, found his path, turned the bend, changed his ways, converted, reverted, turned around, is renewed, wants a clean slate, and has turned over a new leaf.
I have loved a couple of addicts/abusers in my life.
They abused alcohol, drugs, me, family, and life.
They tore out pieces of my soul and each of them swore the exact same things over and over again. They swore to me that they had seen the light, found the path, turned the bend, changed their ways, converted, reverted, turned around, wanted a clean slate, and turned over a new leaf.
I left each of them slowly after many chances when I realized I couldn’t save them and that they were causing me irreparable harm. None of them have a happy ending and each returned many times after I left to beg my return and another 102nd chance.
I kept my promise to myself and never loved. enabled, or stood by another addict/abuser again.
Damian can have every single piece of my soul if he needs it because that is what he is going to get.