This afternoon we received the call we have prayed for. Damian will be admitted to Hillside Residential Treatment Facility tomorrow. For about 5 seconds I manage to be grateful to God and the universe. Then the emotions start rolling, overwhelming me. I mange to get out of my job and to my car.
The door that secures Damian’s place in my mind is wide open.
I try to close it, I try to breathe, I can’t.
I close my eyes, imagine my happy place, I can’t.
I make a mental checklist of what I must do to get home, I can’t.
I turn the radio on, try to focus on the words, I can’t.
I think about calling my sister, I get my phone out, I can’t.
I clasp my hands together, bow my head to pray, I can’t.
I rub my eyes, squish my face, will myself to cry, I can’t.
Out of desperation I finally will myself to open that door, in all of our minds, that holds the darkest moments of our past. I let those moments overwhelm and suffocate me. And when I feel no longer able to breathe or think clearly, I close that door to the past and gasp for breath. This is not that bad.
I can do this.