It is time

This afternoon we received the call we have prayed for.  Damian will be admitted to Hillside Residential Treatment Facility tomorrow.  For about 5 seconds I manage to be grateful to God and the universe.  Then the emotions start rolling, overwhelming me.  I mange to get out of my job and to my car.

The door that secures Damian’s place in my mind is wide open.

I try to close it, I try to breathe, I can’t.

I close my eyes, imagine my happy place, I can’t.

I make a mental checklist of what I must do to get home, I can’t.

I turn the radio on, try to focus on the words, I can’t.

I think about calling my sister, I get my phone out, I can’t.

I clasp my hands together, bow my head to pray, I can’t.

I rub my eyes, squish my face, will myself to cry, I can’t.

Out of desperation I finally will myself to open that door, in all of our minds, that holds the darkest moments of our past.  I let those moments overwhelm and suffocate me.  And when I feel no longer able to breathe or think clearly, I close that door to the past and gasp for breath.  This is not that bad.

I can do this.

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