the lithium is gone

Damian has been off his lithium for 3 days.  No major issues yet but it is still early.  He has been at Hillside for 15 days.

My stupid bronchitis turned into pneumonia and I can’t see him this weekend so I am sick and mad at being sick still.

Our family session on Tuesday went as expected.  As in in, I expected it would be awkward and it was.  Damian has been talking about how he loves being at hillside and wants to stay there.  In his own words he has “more freedom” there.  When the therapist pointed out that he couldn’t even go to the bathroom without permission and camera watches him while he sleeps, Damian simply responded “oh, well.”  There is no arguing with logic like that.

Today Leah drew a picture of the family and Damian wasn’t in it.  I feel defeated and unsure.  How am I supposed to be a mom to him right now.  For me being mom  has always been a verb, my action, the doing of mom.  Now I am a noun, a person, not doing, just being.  I am struggling with the mindfulness of just being, it’s not in my nature, I am always doing, and now I am just not.

2 thoughts on “the lithium is gone

  1. Hope you feel better, Deb. You are in his heart and he is in yours even when you are apart physically. I am still praying, thinking and hoping for you everyday even though I am not physically with you all either. Love from cheryl

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  2. You are still doing things! Mom is very much a verb when talking about Damien. You attend therapy, you read all the therapy books, you discuss and educated the kids and us, you actively sought out help for your child, you think and plan for his future. Just because you aren’t making his breakfast or waking him up in the morning, doesn’t mean you aren’t mom in the verb sense.

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