April 19th family therapy session was a disaster. Damian self harmed on April 16th when we had to delay his day pass until the 17th because another kiddo was having a serious meltdown. I was so mad at him that I spoke with therapy team via speaker phone and then couldn’t continue due to my ridiculous amount of hyperventlating and sobbing. So Garrett had to do the family therapy alone. Damian told Garrett that “everyday we make him stay at Hillside he is losing a piece of his soul. Garrett responded, ” that is complete and total bullshit, what movie did you learn that from. I am sick of your words and I want to see positive actions not scripted words.” The rest of the session did not improve.
Before the April 26th family session we met with his teachers and set Damian up with ESY services (essentially summer school for SPED students) . After we met alone with our family therapist and got a huge run around about what services we could get Damian when he was discharged. I was so overwhelmed and sick of all of it. I asked Garrett what he thought and he replied, “whatever you think is best”. Cue another complete and total meltdown on my part. I actually threw the tissue box that I had been clinging to, right at my husband. Then stormed out of the office to sit in the car for the rest of the session.
The past couple of weeks have not been my finest moments. In fact they have been the most difficult in my life. And right now it is just more. More hopeless than holding my moms hand and telling her we loved her while the other hand on her heart felt it slowly stop beating. More soul crushing than miscarriages. More frightening than surgery. More terrifying than Leah’s epilepsy. More exhausting than the many long nights at the Childrens’ Hospital. More isolating than having 7 kiddos with special needs. More life changing than the phone call that told me my father had died. More future shattering than finding out that my sister and I inherited autoimmune disorders from our mother. I would live through any or all of these things if I could just stop this with Damian.
More, more, more…this past 9 months of Damian’s breakdown is just more than I …..Ever!