“Little Big Man” will be officially discharged from Devereux this Wednesday afternoon. As I have done before when Damian came home from his previous prtf, I will stop updating this blog. We will give “Little Big Man” and our family the opportunity to begin anew.
Words simply cannot express the amount of care, patience, understanding, prayers, and hope you all have given to our family. It is immeasurable and we are forever thankful and humbled. Our go fund me campaign for Devereux is still going on and I will post updates and invite everyone to the gift giving ceremony (most likely the middle of January ):)!
Let this by the end of this blog, let this be the new beginning for our family, let this become a memory that will be softened by time.
“I love this crazy, tragic,
Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautiful life…”-Peter Worley
No matter what else happens, today was awesome. The whole family had a beautiful day with “Little Big Man”!! It was a plain, simple Fall day. We raked and jumped in leaf piles, we read books together in the afternoon, made dinner, and watched TV…and it was simply perfect. Not one single incident, not one! Not everyday will be this way but I am so deeply blessed and grateful for this one. If all of your prayers and positive thoughts made even just this one day possible, it was SO worth it. Thank you to everyone, you all rock.
“Little Big Man” is coming home tomorrow morning for another weekend pass. He will return to Devereux on Sunday with another “discharge review” set for Monday morning. We finally found an agency that will provide Him with IFI services and we were again approved for CBAY case management. I am finally daring to get a little excited about him coming home. I miss him so much and can’t help but feel “maybe this time?”. I mean really, Donald Trump is our president-elect and I am not skating on ice right now, so maybe the saying “when Hell freezes over, no longer applies to this universe or “Little Big Man’s” Bipolar disorder 😉
“Little Big Man” is scheduled to be discharged again this weekend. We are continuing to make endless phone calls to find him IFI services which would be a behavioral therapist to come to the house and school for continued counseling. We have been unsuccessful thus far but are continuing to search.
Me on a conference call with Devereux and Medicaid this afternoon, “If you don’t help us I will call every single one of your community donors personally. Then I will show up to each donor with my beautiful family and record us singing the “Why won’t you help our brother song”. Then I will submit said videos to every single news channel, every single day until one of them gives in and airs it. That would make some great T.V., paired with the video of Damian throwing himself to the ground and rolling into the street while we direct cars around him. The video I took today, 1 day after he was discharged with no community services in place.” Silence….”Great we will be there in an hour.” “Little Big Man” is back at Devereux with a one week approval so we can get community services in place. I’m done, for today. The endless phone calls begin anew tomorrow.
Have you ever given someone a second chance after they hurt you in a way that you swore you would never forgive? Then that someone walks on eggshells around you and is that kind of sickly clingy kind of nice to you. You know, that hyper aware attention to you. The constant awareness that life will never be the same. The little moments that were once so simple that now take so much effort to achieve. When all you really wanted was for things to go back to normal or what constituted as your normal before the unforgivable.
If that hasn’t happened to you, drop to your knees immediately and thank the universe. If it has, then you will know how I felt all day today.
Day one, done.
Tonight as a lay on a mattress next to Our son, I let go. I let this blissful sense of peace wash over me. Tonight for the first time in 4 months we are all sleeping under the same roof.
Another day of relentless phone calls. All we know is that Our son is coming home at 6:00 pm tomorrow (11/4/2016). We are on our own for 2-3 weeks. No services, no psychologist, no psychiatrist. Just the emergency room, 1 of us with him every minute and sleeping on the floor in front of his bedroom door.
We tried to gently share the news with the kids and while mostly positive there were many worries and fears. Garrett and I share their concerns but need to shake it off and get to work now. Our son is coming home.
When I opened my email late this afternoon this is the ducking insane email I received…
Hello Mr and Mrs Cronnelly,
I received feedback from our UR department earlier today regarding Your son’s insurance. At this point, the insurance company has authorized Damian to remain with us until Sunday 11/6 at the latest, so we need you to pick him up this weekend. I am happy to assist with submitting a referral to either CBAY services or wrap around services, I typically refer to Viewpoint for wrap around.
Feel free to contact me with any additional questions,
Julia Thomann, LMSW,CJSOT Devereux
Any additional questions … what the… what ensued next was…13 frantic phone calls,some penance inducing cursing, screaming at the universe out of my car window while speeding down the highway at an unsafe and illegal rate of speed, begging and pleading that would rival a death row inmate on his final hour, an inordinate amount of threatening even by my insane mama bear standards, some more sobbing and hyperventilating, some more screaming, 5 more phone calls with a million questions asked and no answers given, a stop at a gas station for anything with caffeine followed by a clerk who said “Hi, how are – never mind I won’t ask that”, continue the crying festival, commence the cursing again, sudden silence followed by intense mind numbing terror and helplessness which triggers vomiting on the side of the road, back in the car chugging down caffeine with the fervor of a an addict, chew and swallow 4 Tylenol, back on the road, answer phone call -hang up on person telling me “these things happen Mrs. Cronnelly”, make 2 more phone calls to people who work with broken children but have happy noodle salad eating by the lake families of their own-that this is not inconvenient (as I was told twice) it is untenable, unsafe, and unacceptable.
I know nothing more.
FIVE days of no suicide attempts!!!!! Yeah! We got to visit “Little Big Man” on Sunday. He is holding strong in a manic episode. But at this point we are okay with that!! Sunday brought several long rants about superheroes. As of Sunday He is going to work for Marvel comics and design suits that actually give a person the same strengths as each character. Pretty reasonable until he starts rambling about how he is going to steal nuclear materials to make this happen. When confronted with the fact that would be illegal, he set off on a tirade about how doing something good can negate the bad that made the good possible (interesting). Honestly the boy child could talk about the breeding habits of ants and I would still just be excited he was talking about anything but dying ;)!
So, YEAH 5 DAYS!!!!!