Monthly Archives: December 2016

And we go on

“Little Big Man” came home from Willowbrook Hospital on Dec. 26th late at night.  He only made it 3 days, he was back to the ER this afternoon.  We are waiting to see which psychiatric hospital will take him.

His referral to PRTF has been accepted but we are waiting for an available space at Youth Villages – Inner Harbor in Douglasville, GA.

We had an acceptance to Laurel Heights PRTF in Atlanta, but then I found this…(see link below).  I did call them and asked them about these incidents their  answer was “we are complying with all state and county investigations.”  When I asked what changes had been made to address supervision and restraint violations, they said- “we are currently assessing what changes need to be made”.  So in other words no changes have been made yet.  I informed them that this was not a sufficient answer to a parent deciding whether to entrust their child to them. So that is a no to Laurel Heights.


There will be an empty chair at dinner, an empty China plate from my mom’s collection, an empty mug of cocoa, an empty seat in the van when we go to the park on Christmas Eve, an empty bed with empty Christmas pajamas, gifts will stay unopened under the tree, a stocking will remain hung, questions will be asked with no comforting answers given, another phone call will be made and denied, our love will continue to pour out into the gaping wound that is our son.

“Little Big Man” has been referred to Psychiatric Residential Treatment again, he continues his stay at Willowbrook Psychiatric Hospital with no discharge date in site.  He is refusing to speak with us and refusing all visits.

Christmas music & carousels

Round and round we go…

“Little Big Man” was discharged from Willowbrook hospital on December 15th.  Tonight he is back into psychiatric care through the emergency room, again.

Four days is a record, even for us.

Did I mention how much I hate sappy-sentimental-f***ing-Christmas music.  If I hear 1 more sickly verse I swear to *** I am going to go kick Damian out of that **** hospital bed and admit myself for a 72 hour hold.


Funny but it’s true

My conversation tonight on the phone with “Little Big Man” while he is still at Willowbrook Psychiatric hospital…

“Little Big Man”-“So does this mean EVERY time I swallow something metal that I’m not supposed to, I have to go to the hospital?”

Me-“Yes that is what this means.”

Me-“Wait you said, “not supposed to”…, You should never swallow any metal ever.  There is no list of metal things that you are ever supposed to swallow.”

“Little Big Man”- “You never told me that so really this is your fault.”

Me-“Bye, “Little Big Man”

Discharge from Willowbrook is set for Thursday (Dec.15).

Ambien has forsaken me

The ambien is not enough tonight, the soft dulling of my racing mind is not to be mine.  The dosage doubled with my doctors advice still cannot quell the contradicting firestorm of thoughts about “Little Big Man”.

On Thursday another line was crossed when he told a resource officer at his school that the reason he was acting badly at school was because he was not sleeping at night.  Not sleeping because he was “worried that we (Garrett & I) would hurt his sisters, worried because we threaten them (his sisters) everyday.”  I let it go, it was once, it was the desperate attempt of a boy in trouble to lessen his responsibility for his behaviors, it was deflection.  Then when the police officers responded  to my 911 call, he told them the same story of our threatening and his fear that we would hurt his sisters.  Neither the school nor the police officers believed him, but my mind struggles.

I failed to keep him safe while waiting for police to arrive, he managed to swallow some screws he pulled out of the curtain rod holders on the wall (x-rays show they are moving through his system without damage, he will be fine).  I failed to provide a safe and secure home to my other children who had to be rushed out of the house half dressed for two hours.  I failed when we had to meet in a McDonald’s parking lot under police escort so I could drive my six children home and Garrett could take Damian to the ER.

Please do not tell me it will be alright, to have hope, or that I am a good mom.  Tonight none of these things are relevant to me, none of these things apply to this situation, no words of comfort can provide relief or optimism.  I do not care that tomorrow will come, because tomorrow is hours of dark and silence away and this damn Ambien is not working.

22 days

“Little Big Man” had to be brought to the ER tonight.  He has been admitted to Willowbrook psychiatric hospital in Villa Rica.  He had a wildly bad day at school and brought it home with him.  He was unable to recover despite our and his therapists best intervention attempts.  For the first time in my adult life I had to call 911 and ask for police assistance.  The Gwinnett County Police officers that responded were wonderful and we are forever thankful to them. They got Him safely in the car and to the hospital.