The ambien is not enough tonight, the soft dulling of my racing mind is not to be mine. The dosage doubled with my doctors advice still cannot quell the contradicting firestorm of thoughts about “Little Big Man”.
On Thursday another line was crossed when he told a resource officer at his school that the reason he was acting badly at school was because he was not sleeping at night. Not sleeping because he was “worried that we (Garrett & I) would hurt his sisters, worried because we threaten them (his sisters) everyday.” I let it go, it was once, it was the desperate attempt of a boy in trouble to lessen his responsibility for his behaviors, it was deflection. Then when the police officers responded to my 911 call, he told them the same story of our threatening and his fear that we would hurt his sisters. Neither the school nor the police officers believed him, but my mind struggles.
I failed to keep him safe while waiting for police to arrive, he managed to swallow some screws he pulled out of the curtain rod holders on the wall (x-rays show they are moving through his system without damage, he will be fine). I failed to provide a safe and secure home to my other children who had to be rushed out of the house half dressed for two hours. I failed when we had to meet in a McDonald’s parking lot under police escort so I could drive my six children home and Garrett could take Damian to the ER.
Please do not tell me it will be alright, to have hope, or that I am a good mom. Tonight none of these things are relevant to me, none of these things apply to this situation, no words of comfort can provide relief or optimism. I do not care that tomorrow will come, because tomorrow is hours of dark and silence away and this damn Ambien is not working.