If I knew…

I heard you today.  Your silence spoke so much.  Your one word answers.  Your tone flat and desperately unemotional.  I heard you today.

I saw you today.  Your face twisting in frustration as your hands constantly rubbed your eyes and face.  Your body slumped in feigned disdain. That little whisp of peach fuzz above your lip that has darkened like your mind. I saw you today.

I felt your anger, pain, and void today.  Deep in my heart.  I felt your questions, your unknown future.  I felt your hopeless mind-numbing circle of survival.  I felt lost today.

I tasted the tears that you do not cry.  The tears you may not have.

I don’t know you today.  I know you are my son but I don’t know who you are. I know I love you but I don’t know what that means to you.  I don’t know if you can love or will love.  I don’t know if you will love or not.  You could fill an ocean of tears with what I don’t know.

I am still here.



2 thoughts on “If I knew…

  1. Deb,love you guys so much.i wince at the end of each statement knowing these next steps are like knives in your heart.i have to believe he knows you all love him and I’ve been through the wringer dealing with Armani mental health issue,but what your all going through is beyond anything I’ve ever seen.you two are wonderful parents .I’m here if you want to chat or vent.my heart and love and prayers go out to you.we love you


  2. Deb,
    My heart breaks for you Garrett and they whole family. I am praying for you and for peace – I know we all wish there was more we could do for you guys.


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