So last night when my son walked in the door from his week long stay at a CSU clutching a large styrofoam cup of gummi bears I wanted to scream.
But I didn’t.
I put him in bed and let it go. Or so I thought.
At about midnight I still couldn’t sleep. My thoughts still aggressively circling what those damn gummi bears represent. I tried some meditation and repeating to myself “the candy is not the issue, the system is the issue.” But my mind wouldn’t let go.
Twenty minutes and an ambien later I was sitting next to my son watching him sleep.
How did this happen? Why? Could I have done anything different? Maybe if I had known the right people to demand more services 2 years ago I wouldn’t be sitting here now. Was there a drug trial we haven’t tried? What if that one day I gave in to one of his tantrums set us on this course. What if?
Do you know why the CSU gave him a huge cup of gummi bears. Because they don’t have the answers. Nobody does. Most of the time there will never be answers.
Do you know what there will always be? Candy. So at 1:00 in the morning I sat on the floor next to my beautiful and broken child. The tears streaming down my face for the hundredth time and I ate the whole cup of gummi bears. Every damn one.