The Gummi Bears are off course

So last night when my son walked in the door from his week long stay at a CSU clutching a large styrofoam cup of gummi bears I wanted to scream.

But I didn’t.
I put him in bed and let it go. Or so I thought.

At about midnight I still couldn’t sleep. My thoughts still aggressively circling what those damn gummi bears represent. I tried some meditation and repeating to myself “the candy is not the issue, the system is the issue.” But my mind wouldn’t let go.

Twenty minutes and an ambien later I was sitting next to my son watching him sleep.

How did this happen? Why? Could I have done anything different? Maybe if I had known the right people to demand more services 2 years ago I wouldn’t be sitting here now. Was there a drug trial we haven’t tried? What if that one day I gave in to one of his tantrums set us on this course. What if?

Do you know why the CSU gave him a huge cup of gummi bears. Because they don’t have the answers. Nobody does. Most of the time there will never be answers.

Do you know what there will always be? Candy. So at 1:00 in the morning I sat on the floor next to my beautiful and broken child. The tears streaming down my face for the hundredth time and I ate the whole cup of gummi bears. Every damn one.

One thought on “The Gummi Bears are off course

  1. They are rewarded for the staffs sure some of the nurses or staff just felt hopeless and did anything to make him leave quietly.even if it meant rewarding bad behavior. I wish I had a answer or something smart or helpful to say but I don’t .I know I love you and pray those was the most delicious gummy bears ever lol after years of fighting the same broken system I’m tired I feel a hundred years old and beaten down.i have a appointment with a group called access vr to see if they will help with getting Armani second year of auto paid because the school system like everything else for children n teens with emotional special needs is broken too .if Armani was in a wheelchair this would be easier but because his disabilities are unseen by the eye they seem to not exist so I have to work hard to prove my son is disabled.i know the struggle even though your struggles are even darker n deeper than ours.i wish I could hug you in the dark and just cry with you.your not alone.i love you


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