It has been a long while since I have posted about my son. He is still at the Coastal Harbor Psychiatric Residential Treatment Facicilty in Savannah, GA. As he always does in residential care he is doing wonderfully. He thrives on; the down to the minute constant structure of his day, the 24 hour round the clock care, never having to attach or become emotionally involved with the constant change of personnel or kids, and the constant individual attention.
I have been seeing my psychologist several times a week traveling the road of grieving for the living. Trying hard to create new spaces in my brain to accept the loss of motherhood for my son. I am working to accept the hard truths of the last 2 years.
He doesn’t want or need a mother, he needs a caregiver. He doesn’t want or need my concern for his future he needs food, shelter, and affection on his terms. My mothering love that has been essential to all of my other children is smothering my son, he needs me to be supportive and affectionate but to keep my distance.
So I am working hard to learn how to be my son’s caregiver and not his mother. My needs must be closed off as I work to keep this kiddo alive. For whatever the universe’s reason my son does not want to live as part of a family. So we will have to learn to be just the family that cares for him.