Oh, I get it now

Our son will be continuing his stay at Coastal Harbor until January 4, 2018.

He got his wish and played the game.  He did not win because he played against himself.

The $100 shoes he was allowed to pick from Coastal Harbor’s Christmas fund have been canceled.  I called and called, wrote and wrote about how important it was that he be able to make the connection between his actions and consequences.  I was livid that the professionals who constantly “teach”  us to tie every action to a consequence would give him a present for manipulating.

When he had to go back to residential care and my hope was completely shattered, I didn’t think I would ever find it again.

Tonight I had an ugly guilt ridden sob festival.  Complete with throwing things, bruised knuckles and a hole in the basement door.

When no more emotion was left I sat on the concrete basement floor.  I sat there until I was cold and numb in body and soul.

And then I started to laugh the smile racing across my face.  The laugh was deep and long punctuated by a few giddy nose snorts.  It culminated with me curling up on the concrete and holding my diaphragm while tears of laughter streamed down my face.

When I can breath again, I say to no one …”there it is” and “where have you been?”  “I have been searching and working for you”.  “I get it now”.

I had found my hope.  Why did I care so much about Coastal Harbor giving him a present that he used as a manipulation tool?

I get it now, I care because I still had hope that he could tie the action and consequence together.  That he could “learn” from his actions.  I had “hoped” that this consequence would help him build a cause and effect bridge in his mind.  It didn’t and I don’t know if it ever will.   This momma Grinch “hoped” that it would.

The result is disheartening and tragic that he won’t be home for  Christmas, but hope was found.  That will have to be the win.